Someone asked me the other day how it feels now that I’ve gotten my life back. My first thought was, I got my life back… but I feel like I stopped living.
Sometimes, when I speak before I think, I end up telling myself how I’m really feeling. I guess that was the truth.
On the race, I didn’t really have control over my life. I had rules to live by, places I had to be, things I could and could not do. I couldn’t drive or go anywhere alone. My life was cojoined with others.
But…I was truly living.
I was living an adventurous life, doing what we are all called to do—live missionally. That kind of serving, that kind of loving, and that depth of connection impacted me deeply, because it’s how we were created to live.
So if I’m still serving and still in ministry, why was that my response?
When people ask what I’m up to these days, I say I’m living a simple, content life at home. And I truly love it. I have a path in front of me, an amazing place to be, and something to occupy my time.
But when I think about what got me through the hardest moments on the race, it was purpose.
My purpose was to love and serve people. What kept me going was God, spending time with Him, getting to know His heart, hoping to catch a glimpse of it so I could be more like Him.
When I look at how I live now, I notice I think a lot about myself.
How long can I sleep in?
How can I avoid talking to this person?
How can I stay comfortable?
How could I…
I…
I…
That tells me it wasn’t the season of life or the circumstances that gave me life. Thinking about myself won’t lead me to truly living. Life came from thinking of myself less so I could think of others more. From serving myself less so I could serve God more.
Hah. Convicting.
So I guess I’ve regained my life, but I’ve lost my perspective.
As I enter this new year, I want to live differently.
I want to love more.
I want to serve more.
I want to prefer others more.
I want to give more.
I want to sacrifice my comforts and needs more.
I want to live the way Jesus did—more.
My life may not look as extravagant as it once did, but I can still do the same things that gave me purpose then. It may look different now, but if there’s one thing I learned on the race, it’s this:
Obedience isn’t always extravagant, but it’s always rewarding.
Leave a Reply