Due to some political tension in Guatemala, we are now flying out on Wednesday when we were supposed to leave on Saturday. And let me say I am thanking the Lord. Realizing that I would have been in Guatemala right now made me see how ready I wasn’t. Not spiritually, emotionally, nor physically. And there’s a slight selfish ambition inside of me that is glad to still be in my comfort zone. If I can be honest, I am completely petrified to leave the country. I can barely handle getting in an Uber in America so how would I be able to ride a chicken bus in the middle of a foreign country? So I’m grateful for a few extra days to process and mentally get ready for another drastic change.
This week is what we call “debrief week”. A week of reflection and rest before the next big adventure starts. And it’s been one of the most unrestful weeks for me ironically. I, along with two others on my squad, have been chosen to be the logistics team for the whole squad. We handle finances, travel details, and planning debriefs for the whole squad. So this week was spent getting Vietnam visas for the whole squad which consisted of collecting everyone’s passports and tediously inputting all of that information online to be processed. Every free second I had went to getting the visas done. And let me tell you I was convicted of that.
While sitting with Claire, one of my logistics teammates, working on visas, this guy eats his lunch with us randomly and starts asking us questions that really altered the way I think. He asked how the visas were going to which we both responded that it’s kind of stressful because you can’t mess up to which he asked why we feel like we have to be perfect. Well that’s easy. If this isn’t done perfectly, someone won’t be able to get into Vietnam. He asked, “Do you think God placed you in logistics for you to make mistakes?” That’s impossible. I’ve been given this gift that I can serve people with but I can’t afford to make mistakes because there are expectations and pressure. Turns out that’s how I’ve been treating my life for the past year.
But wait, there’s more.
In feeling that I have to earn the love of people, I started to become seriously task oriented. And becoming task oriented led me to start living life faster because you can get so much more done at a quicker pace. But this has caused me to miss out on memories and relationships and details that I won’t get back. It has become so hard for me to slow down and be fully present in the moment because my head is always a few steps ahead of me, preparing to get the next task done.
But wait…THERE’S MORE.
What if the reason I feel like I have to earn people’s love is because I’m afraid to let people in and ask for help? What if it’s been easier to just live fast because then I don’t have to stop to open my heart and allow people to enter into my life? Talk about getting wrecked. The other day, I experienced the greatest love from someone who didn’t need to give it to me. Kailey Finley. Heart of gold. She was so kind in offering something to me when I did nothing to earn her love, and if anything, pushed her away. And in that moment, I realized that love doesn’t need to be earned. It’s simply a gift that is given when your heart posture lines up with the Lord’s. Through Kailey, I saw the love of Christ. I have done absolutely nothing to earn His love, yet He gives it. And even when I push Him away, He still loves. And because He loves, I can follow His greatest commandment: to love.
Now I can say I’m ready to start this adventure because I learned what it means to love. And to love just because. The Lord has stirred my spirit, softened my heart, and taught me something new that will help guide me into loving His people in the nations.
